Reflection

Attractive!

I was looking at the pictures of pregnant me the other day. It seems so long ago now. My goodness I was HUGE! MASSEEEEEEEEEEVE! It also seems very weird to think that the Wiggler (as he was then known) is the same Little Man that we hold so very dear today. I remember lying on our hotel room bed in Washington DC watching my belly move around and pop out as the Wiggler kicked and Wiggled around in there, wondering to whom I would give birth.

It's quite difficult for me to link the two and realise them as the same being. It's even more difficult for me to get my head around the fact that I actually grew him in my uterus, from scratch, and that he's perfect in every way. It's such a massive thing to comprehend - a truly justified use for the word awesome. It is awesome, though. Birth is awesome; the creation of life...is awesome. It fills one with awe [and wonder ;-)].

I watch him sometimes and marvel at the tiny veins in his skin, carrying his bloody around his circulatory system. I think about his gnashers growing in his mouth as we speak and then think about him speaking, which is a little weird for me just yet. I think about his digestive system and wonder if he'll choose to continue being vegan once he's old enough to decide. I think about his little lungs taking in oxygen and wonder if he'll ever smoke. I couldn't bear it if he did. I think I'd be indignant, that he would sully something so perfect. But then I would be a hypocrite, I'm sorry Mum. I think about his heart, pumping his blood around his body, carrying the oxygen from him lungs and the nutrients from the food he eats and the milk he drinks, all the time worrying that I'm not eating enough of/feeding him the right things to nourish him properly.

I didn't know what worry was until I had my Wiggler. I accept that I can only do my best and live in hope that it is good enough. Much will be up to him; when that time comes I must take a back seat and let him live as he chooses. I hope I can give him a balanced start and the love and encouragement he needs to be healthy and happy until he (maybe) has Wigglers of his own. Then he can learn what worry is :-D

Pre-booking session

We went to our pre-booking session today. Essentially it was a group session where a midwife support worker runs through the basics (no yummy cheese (i.e.: brie, stilton etc), no pate because of the mould (there's mould in pate?? I'm so glad I'm vegetarian!!) and the like. She also gives us a feck load of forms to fill in so the midwife doesn't have to do it in the booking session. It was quite a lot to take in, but...I am a geek and have read up a lot already so most of it was old news. I bought Your Pregnancy Week By Week by Lesley Regan. It's really helpful and totally non-patronising, unlike some of the other books I've browsed in Waterstones (such delights as "let's face it, there's nothing much you can do while you're pregnant so you may as well eat!" er...no). I thought it was all rather marvellous until I read the section on pain during labour and felt pure panic wash over me right down to my toes. All I can say is, man it's gonna hurt like hell. As much as I'd like to feel nothing I don't think I would want an epidural. How much of an experience can that be - being told when to push because you don't know? I'm sure there will be a load more bumph thrown at me by midwives etc about my options for pain relief, different types of birth etc. Bring on the raspberry leaf tea!

Talking of bumph, there wasn't half a lot of adverts in one of the packs she gave us today. One thing I found really grim was a little card saying "the first time you saw me" with a space designed for the first scan image which is very twee and quite a lovely idea if it didn't have Pampers plastered all over it. Even Mastercard are at it! There's much encouragement to join "the best Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting Club - Bounty" which, as far as I can tell, means you get a load of free samples of baby products full of horrible chemicals, most of which I have no intention of using! Like...Pampers. Uh...LANDFILLS ANYONE?? So anyway, I might give that a miss and speak to people I meet along the way.

The next appointment, by which time we must have done our homework, bring on the forms, is 20th January. Hopefully Simon's work aren't stingy about giving him the time off. Hmph. Stupid work.